i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I party with great urgency now.
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