So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
