I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
