apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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