It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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