I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
