I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
