i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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