Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
