just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
