don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
