Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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