ugly people sure do ruin things
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
