I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
