Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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