Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
