so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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