My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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