woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
