When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
