Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
