I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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