His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize