Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize