In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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