The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
