Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
