I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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