Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
