so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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