I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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