phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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