They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
