everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Did you just see the Batmobile???
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
