Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
