she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
