did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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