I need to stop coming to work sober
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
