I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
