On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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