Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
