Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
