I bet he comes in French.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
