Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
