haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize