i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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