I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
40s are totally the cure
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
