i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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