i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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