That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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