Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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