Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
