I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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