Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
