You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
