He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
