I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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