It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
