I love black thongs
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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